STRUGGLING WITH POSSESSIVENESS
Something inside our very DNA makes us want to possess whatever is beautiful and to have exclusively for ourselves whatever we love. It’s no accident that there are two commandments against jealousy. From a toddler’s tantrum over his mother’s inattention to the sexual jealousy so universal in adulthood, we see that it’s hard to look at what attracts us and respond only with gratitude and admiration.
For this reason, when we should be feeling wonderful, we often feel unsettled, restless, obsessed, and jealous in the face of beauty and love.
What do we do with our possessiveness? Good spirituality and good psychology agree that the answer lies in a healthy maturity that can admire without seeking to own and love without seeking to manipulate. But that’s easier said than done. We don’t change our deepest instincts (John of the Cross calls them “our metaphysics”) simply by willing away possessiveness.
What’s the answer? A life-long walk towards a very difficult maturity. Overcoming our incurable instinct to possess is one of the final hurdles in life. When we’re no longer prone to jealousy, we’re saints.
In the meantime, it can be helpful to name this. A symptom suffers less when it knows where it belongs.
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